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If Mulder and Scully Had to Write Lines... Author Unknown (Let me know if it's yours, and I'll give you appropriate credit.)


If Mulder wrote lines...


I will not scare my partner

I will not make decisions without consulting the group (DARKNESS FALLS)

I will not ignore my partner (WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES)

I will not point out the blatantly obvious (KITSUNEGARI)

I will buy a bed

I will not trash my own apartment

I will not damage hospital equipment (ONE BREATH)

No does not mean yes

I will not get too involved with my work (GROTESQUE)

I will not take cheep shots

I will not get arrested (JERSEY DEVIL)

I will not trespass on government property (WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES)

I will not come just in the nick of time (IRRISTIBLE, ETC)

I will not bribe Assistant Director Skinner

I will not aim below the belt (731)

I did not see Elvis

I will not call my partner "Hot Cakes"

I will not snap bras

They are laughing at me, not with me (DETOUR)

I will not get very far with this attitude

I will not sell federal property

I do not have diplomatic immunity

The diplomatic pouch is not a toy (TUNGUSKA)

I will not cut corners

I will not flash my badge when it suits me

I will not strut around like I own the place

I will not tease my partner

I will not show off (SHIZOGENY)

I will not call the Assistant Director "spud head"

I will not torment the emotionally frail

The truth is not out there (THE X-FILES, ETC)

High explosives and federal buildings don’t mix

All work and no play makes Fox a dull boy

I will not run my own experiments

The evidence was not stolen by the Cigarette-smoking man (THE X-FILES, ETC)

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun

I will not repeat myself

Funny noises aren't funny

I will not repeat myself

I have learned my lesson

I will never do anything bad ever again

The boys room is not a water park

I do not hold the power of attorney over other Agents

Nobody likes spit balls

Assistant Director Skinner can only be pushed so far

I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.

Pets and X-Files don’t mix (QUAGMIRE)

Saying "I didn’t mean it" doesn't make it okay to insult Assistant Director Skinner

I will not do that thing with my gun

Spandex is a privilege not a right

I will not cry like a little girl

I will not donate brain tissue

I will not ditch my partner (SYZYGY)

I will not fraternize with the local Sheriff (SYZYGY)

I will not die (THE BLESSING WAY, REDUX I, II)

I will go back to Washington like a good little Agent (NISEI)

I will not use my I.D to get ahead in line at McDonalds

I will not use federal lines for my own personal phone calls

I will not use bureaucratic loopholes to my advantage

I will not go near my partner’ss dog

I will remember to take my medication

I will avoid entomologists named "Bambi" (WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES)

I will sleep

I will not vandalize (THE X-FILES)

I will not use my unique beliefs to impress Scully (SEASON 1)

I will not climb trees for a cheep thrill (SHIZOGENY)

I will not wish others bodily harm (REDUX)

One hundred year-old, liver eating, shape shifting mutants don’t bounce


Pseudo-erotic asphyxiation is not a dignified way to go (CLYDE BRUCKMAN’S FINAL REPOSE)

I will not hang donuts on my person

I will get a life

There is no secret room in the Pentagon (THE X-FILES, ETC)

I will not belittle little people (HUMBUG)

Crime scene photos are not decorations (THE X-FILES, ETC)

I do not want to believe (THE X-FILES, ETC)

It’s a gun, not a house key

'Mulder money' is not legal tender




If Scully wrote lines...


Just because I did the autopsy, doesn’t mean it’s dead

The rain forests in Brazil aren’t as scarce as we think (JERSEY DEVIL)

Unexplained flashes of light are not necessarily caused by my partner (THE X-FILES)

I will trust my partner’ss hunches at all times

What I see and what I look at are two very different things (END GAME)

I will not hide my fear (IRRISISTABLE, ETC)

I will not hold hands with strangers (GENDERBENDER)

I will not overfeed my partner’ss pet (LITTLE GREEN MEN)

I will not jump to conclusions

I will not allow my partner to be "turned on" (SHIZOGENY)

I will not break into song (DETOUR)

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty

I will not use my status to get my way

Goldfish don’t bounce

I will not show off

I will not test the limits of my partner’ss sanity

I am not a dentist

Organ transplants are best left to the professionals

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun

I will not dissect things unless instructed

I will not intentionally damage company cars

This does not "suck"

I will never do anything bad ever again (NEVER AGAIN)

I will not scream unless something is wrong

I will stop talking about the 12-inch pianist

Wedgies are not certified buy the Surgeon-General

I will not sink down to his level

Nobody likes "see food"

This isn’t funny

His gun is on the desk and he isn’t happy to see me

I will only perform CPR when it is absolutely necessary

Green foam isn’t good (COLONY)

I will not misuse the art of misdirection

I will not feed off of my partner’s obsession

I will be easy to find (ASCENTION, ETC)

I will not rebel (NEVER AGAIN)

I will not ask leading questions

Next time it could be me in the drunk tank (JERSEY DEVIL)

Mulder won’t "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough

I will not say "hail Mulder"

I will not take advantage of my partner’s delusional state

I will not use hallucinogens to my advantage

Mosquito bites are nothing to be alarmed about (THE X-FILES)

I will not bury the evidence

I will not spread rumors

I will not work Christmas (CHRISTMAS CAROL)

I will not answer Frohike’s calls

Mulder, not Fox

Waking up without my coffee is perfectly natural

I will not submit the autopsy report in "pig Latin"

I will not get sick

They are corpses, not Legos (DETOUR)

I will not lie for my partner

I will not make fun of my partner’s emotional weaknesses (WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES)

Phones don’t work at 2 A.M.

I will not shoot my partner unless absolutely necessary (ANASAZI)

I will not make my boss sit on his hands (ANASAZI)

I will never again attempt to have a life (NEVER AGAIN, CHINGA)

I will not shoot up my partner’s apartment

I will not stand in front of accelerating vehicles

I will not encourage him

I will not use X-rays as lamp shades (THE X-FILES)

I will remember my partner’s birthday

I will not chase suspects in Italian pumps (COLONY)

I will not use my gun to order people’s clothes off

I will not "saran-wrap" the toilet seats on April Fools’ Day

Chalk outlines are no laughing matter

I will not fake a British accent (AUBRY)

Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not after you

Bugs are not part of this complete breakfast (HUMBUG)

I will not do that thing with my gun

Bubble gum is not permitted in the Assistant Director’s office

I will not lapse into nostalgia (PIPER MARU)

I will not bleep in public

Time is a universal constant, except in Oregon (THE X-FILES)

I will not announce my partner’s location (JERSEY DEVIL)

I will not keep secrets

"Dana Dollars" and "Scully Cents" are not legal tender


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